Of Panties and Poetry
by Aerecura
Summary: "I do not believe krogans are in the habit of throwing panties, Tali'Zorah." There is a moment of silence before EDI offers feebly, "That was a joke." Tali and EDI complain about their respective relationship woes. ME3, complete fluff.


N/A: Well, this is my first foray into Mass Effect fanfiction. Absolute utter fluff, prompted by a) the hilarious scenes with Tali in ME3, b) Mordin's skeevy advice (what is he, some kind of salarian love guru?), and c) the...mechanics of EDI and Joker's relationship. A lot of thanks goes to my beta Skeasel for shaping this thing up. Rated T for Tali's drunken kvetching and implied robot sex.

A linguistic note: _boshtet_ is a quarian word that basically means buttface, as far as I can tell, and _keelah_ is an expression of surprise.

As you all know, I own absolutely none of this. Bioware is godly and made all.

* * *

The tranquil blue décor of the port observation deck, observes Tali as she slurps another shot of Turian brandyt, is too damn soothing for her current mood.

If the shelves of liquor in front of her would just stop _moving_ for a second, she might get off her sorry ass, head down to the shuttle bay, and practice her aim until she has emptied every weapon aboard the Normandy of its thermal clips. Maybe that would still her heart a little. But every time she tries to stand up, her legs fail her, threatening to send her plummeting to the floor.

And, she reasons hazily, if that happens, she probably won't get up.

Besides, her vision capabilities appear to be a bit...off tonight. Target practice might entail putting a bullet through one of the crew members by mistake. She knows for a fact that Vega, Alenko, and Cortez are playing poker down there now. Tali had told them to clear out of the port deck an hour ago, brandishing a bottle of alcohol in each hand. And Shepard might not be too pleased if she has to embark on her next mission one person short. Especially if that person happens to be Alenko.

"Damn the commander," Tali slurs to herself. "Savior of the galaxy, hero of the human race, of course she has no problem getting her own...what do humans call it? Buttock hail?"

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'booty call,' Tali'Zorah," says a clean, feminine voice behind her.

"_Keelah!_" Tali twists around, trying to get a better look at the being who has invaded her alcoholic sanctuary. She gets one glimpse of a sleek metal body, lips perfectly pouted and metallic hair curled _just so_, before her right hip slides over the edge of the bar stool and sends her crashing to the floor. "EDI? What are you -" she hiccups, closing her eyes against the whirling of the room's walls - "doing here?"

"My purpose here is to investigate the wiring on the port observation deck. Scans reveal substandard wiring configurations in the port lounge, which could cause significant damage to the hull over time if allowed to remain installed." A silver hand drops into Tali's field of view. "My apologies. I neglected to see if the room was occupied before beginning my diagnostics. Do you -" she pauses, and Tali swears she can hear a hesitant note creep into the AI's voice, "-require assistance, Tali'Zorah?"

"No, damn it. I can get up myself." Tali attempts to haul herself to her feet and goes down again. Her stomach churns. "I can. Get up. Myself." She closes her eyes. "Just...come back later, okay, EDI? Let me wallow in self-pity and drink myself to Rannoch and back first."

"Ah." EDI pulls over a stool and perches on it, elbow resting on the bar. "I believe, according to sentient behavior protocols, that this is when I am supposed to ask you if you would like to 'talk about it.'"

"What would you understand about it?" Tali snorts. "That damn Dr. Michel. Buying him a drink at Purgatory...dancing with him...practically throwing her panties at him like a krogan around a female in heat..."

"I do not believe krogans are in the habit of throwing panties, Tali'Zorah." There is a moment of silence before she offers feebly, "That was a joke."

"I know. Just...that _boshtet!_"

"Are you concerned that Garrus prefers Dr. Michel over you?"

Behind her face mask, Tali's jaw drops. "How'd you know I was talking about him?"

EDI lifts her shoulders in a slight shrug. "Whenever you are in the general vicinity of Garrus, I have noted increased cardiovascular activity, heightened respiratory rate, and altered speech patterns that include pausing and stammering. I merely assumed that you are attracted to him. Is this assumption incorrect?"

"Um. No, EDI. It isn't incorrect."

"Then why have you not communicated your intentions to him?"

Tali finally struggles to her feet and reaches for the bottle again. "Look at me. I'm always covered up in my environmental suit. He's never even seen my face. Or my exposed skin. Or anything. And look at Dr. Michel. You have to admit, EDI," she says, pouring herself another glass, "that Dr. Michel's attractive. Great eyes. Smart. Nice ass."

"If it is any comfort, I perceive your rear to be aesthetically pleasing as well."

"Yeah? Well, that makes one of you. A toast to my ass."

EDI grabs the glass. "Tali-Zorah, your dextro-protein-based biology cannot handle such a high blood-alcohol content. I advise you to slow your rate of consumption."

Tali ignores her. "And Garrus is so oblivious. I don't even know how to tell him."

EDI's lips curl in confusion. "Will simply informing him not suffice?"

"EDI, even if I walked up to Garrus and grabbed him by the crotch, he would probably think I was just checking the calibrations of his armor."

"I have adapted my programming to human dispositions rather than those of quarians or turians, as you know. However, perhaps there is some sort of mating ritual within my databases that can assist in your efforts. Searching..." Her eyes grow unfocused. "Results obtained. Acquiring gifts, asking him on an outing, or writing him amorous poetry would all be acceptable methods."

"I don't really think Garrus is into poetry, EDI." Tali rolls her eyes. "And what would I say? 'Your crest makes women weep, your carapace is sublime, please screw me on top of the galaxy map?'"

EDI stands and goes over to the viewport, staring off at the stars. "I am unfamiliar with the techniques required to construct exemplary literature, Tali'Zorah, but that seemed to be remarkably unpoetic. And engaging in sexual relations on top of the galaxy map may cause Specialist Traynor a good deal of concern." The AI clutches her hands behind her back, slumping forward a bit. "At least you are aware of how to...please your partner."

Tali puts the glass down. "Are you having relationship problems, EDI?"

"Negative, Tali." She shoots a glance at the quarian, then shakes her head. "That is incorrect. Affirmative."

"But you're so perfect..."

"Cerberus did not construct this body with sexual functions in mind. I am missing, ah...certain pieces of normal human anatomy."

"You don't..." Understanding dawns. "Oh. _Oh_. Well. I can see why that's a problem. What does Joker think?"

"Jeff has insisted that it does not pose an issue. However, his vocal inflection belied this."

Tali hoists herself to her feet and wobbles over EDI at the viewport. "EDI, you're the perfect woman. I'm sure Joker would be more than willing to teach you what he wants. With, ah, whatever you've got." She swallows. _"Keelah, _those are mental images I really don't need. Talk to Mordin about this. He can probably help you more than me."

EDI brightens. "An excellent suggestion. Dr. Solus will no doubt be able to instruct me how to develop erogenous zones. His knowledge base is surprisingly broad on those of most species. In fact, he is well-versed in the erogenous zones and sexual anatomy of over fifteen species, including humans, turians, salarians, asari, vorcha, volus, and elcor."

"Elcor erogenous zones..." She snorts on a giggle. "That was, ah, a joke, right?"

"No, Tali'Zorah. That was not a joke."

She cringes. "Well. Moving on, then." She slings an arm around EDI's shoulders. "That's your problem resolved. What about mine?"

EDI freezes for a moment, then pats Tali awkwardly on the back. "You are skilled at engineering, are you not?"

Tali hiccups again. "Yes, and?"

"And Garrus spends a great deal of time performing calibrations, does he not?"

"EDI, no one calibrates better than Garrus. There's nothing I know from the flotilla that could help him."

"Yes, maybe," says EDI with a hint of smugness in her voice. "But I believe I can be of service there. Classified Alliance technology calibration schematics are being uploaded to your omni-tool as we speak."

"EDI, you're a hell of an AI, you know that?" Tali envelopes her in a hug that is half drunken lurch.

"Er. Thank you, Tali-Zorah. You are an exemplary quarian."

"Let's have one more toast to celebrate the resolution of our romantic problems..." Tali clutches at the brandy bottle. "Wait. It's empty."

"I believe that means you are...shitfaced, according to my human vocabulary lexicon. Perhaps you should consider retiring for the night."

"Yeah. Except I can't walk in a straight line." Tali holds out her hand to EDI. "Help me down the hall?"

"I would be happy to do so, Tali'Zorah."

As the door to the port observation port slides smoothly open, the AI takes Tali firmly by the shoulder, leading her down the corridor.

* * *

If you liked it, please take a minute to let me know what you thought! Humor isn't my usual modus operandi, but I just felt compelled...


End file.
